When I had made my decision to study acupuncture, blissfully unaware of the intensity of the study ahead of me, I dreamed of the future - living in line with my health ideals, tai chi in the morning, progressing patients, what colour I would paint my clinic room and days full of fulfilling, nourishing work. I also had it in my mind from day one that I would do volunteer acupuncture. While I don’t do tai chi in the mornings and haven’t been at liberty to paint my clinic room, the others are an everyday reality and volunteer acupuncture is just about to start! I’m excited.
Volunteering is important to me because I want to put something back into a world that has been kind to me and full of love. Originally, I considered volunteering for groups including drug and alcohol addictions and eating disorders as these were groups desperately in need of emotional, spiritual and physical support. Circumstances, as they often have a habit of doing, lead me another way…
During my studies, I chose a job quite different to the publishing and teaching paths I had previously worked in. Life, I decided, was about personal development and as I was entering a healing and caring profession, I wanted to develop myself in those areas. For 2 years I worked as a support worker in homes for people with acquired brain injuries whether from strokes, accidents, illness, or alcohol abuse. These brain injuries result in varying and multiple problems including memory loss, inability to make new memories, permanent physical impairment, dyspraxia, speech disorders and behavioural problems.
Support work is a demanding job with high levels of responsibility - ie being responsible for another life! Support workers are paid poorly and take a lot of abuse - verbally I was sworn at almost every shift, I was threatened with a knife, witnessed two assaults on other staff, and was almost forced into a kiss with a client. And the home I worked in was considered very very sedate and low level challenging. Stories I heard from other homes in the same group were much more threatening. The biggest challenges though were not these extreme incidents, but the constant repetitive questions, “can I have a ciggie?” repeated 500 times a day, 200 times accompanied by a tap on the bum to check if there were any in my pocket; the constant repetitive knocking on the kitchen door by a guy whose injury meant he would have eaten non-stop all day if he could have; listening and engaging in the same and only four conversations that one client repeated over and over, day in, day out. Those things were truly challenging. Empathy, a solid centre and the ability to keep a light heart are the most valuable tools for that job.
At the end of a 12 hour shift, I would feel fairly drained. My situation was that I could and did leave the home at the end of a shift and go to my home. And I knew that in two years, I would no longer do the job. People who become carers of family rarely get a break, they don’t get to leave it all behind at the end of a day and hand everything over to the night shift staff. They often give up jobs and aspirations and have to deal with the harrowing experience of seeing a loved one being in pain. They are giving, giving, giving. And the law of the universe according to Daoist philosophy says that everything must be balanced, so these carers need to receive as well. This is largely the reason why I decided to volunteer my acupuncture skills to a charity for carers.
After a few months of liaising and setting things up, I’m due to start one day a week of volunteer acupuncture for a charity for unpaid carers of family and loved ones: The Carers Centre for Bristol and South Gloucestershire: http://www.prtcarerscentre.org.uk/
I want to thank Amy and Jill at the centre who worked hard to set this up. I’m hugely excited to embark upon this journey!
…patients come back and say, “Yes my IBS/headaches/pain is improving” … “But do you know what… I haven’t been worrying so much, like when the bills come in, I think, o that will get sorted and usually I’d feel stressed and think about them for hours.” Or, “And I seem to be getting along with my daughter much better because I’ve stopped shouting at her so much”. Or, “I realised that I’ve stopped doing creative things and they make me happy, so I’ve taken up a creative writing class.”
It’s hard to get across to people when they think of coming for acupuncture that they will get so much more than relief from their symptoms, usually people are so fixed on their condition that they don’t notice the other things that are stressing them out, or those things have become so second nature they don’t see them as being changeable.
And usually in acupuncture diagnostic terms, the strained relationship has the SAME root as the headache, the absence of creative things IS the depression, and the worry IS the digestive problem - they are from the same root of imbalance. I don’t mean one is because of the other, I mean simply that they are the same thing.
This perspective of the actions and attitudes of others being just the same as someone having diabetes, migraines, infertility or any other condition, means I have been able to step back and take things less personally. For example, I can see why my father is so particular with planning and organising both his life and yours and gets short-tempered if things aren’t clear, why my friend won’t take the action to do the things she knows will help, why an acquaintance tends to disagree with everything I say. It’s not because they are trying to annoy me, or because I’m not doing something I should be (and if these do come into play, they are only a part of the story) - it’s also because the state of their balance or lack of balance is them is making them behave that way. I have my own imbalances, and I hope that I am becoming more aware of them and their affects on people.
A more extreme example would be someone who had murdered someone for money, or committed sex offences - and if they came for acupuncture, I would treat them the same as anyone else. These actions are a sign of significant imbalance, and acupuncture might have the potential to help them heal from the need to commit those crimes again.
That’s not to say that an acupuncture needle or two and the patient doesn’t have to make any effort. Like most things, there is a two-way relationship involved, the patient has to give as much as they take, but the acupuncture itself can create the motivation and inclination to do this through changing one’s perspective on things, increasing energy levels and general well-being.
With a vow of silence, no mobile phone, no pens, paper, ipod, tv, radio, or any other stimulation or distractions for 10 days, there were moments when I felt like I was on the edge of insanity. The reality was the chaotic insanity of my mind was always there, it just got louder in the absence of distractions and chat.
This was my second Vipassana retreat, the first I completed in Dharamasala, India, in the midst of the monsoon season and with amoebic dysentery - 10 dull days of damp, diarrhea, fever, and sleep deprivation. Tough to say the least. This retreat I took in Hereford, UK, and with 10 days of wall-to-wall spring sunshine, good health and a radiator in my room, it was heavenly compared to my last experience. Not to say it wasn’t without its struggles though.
Firstly, getting up at 4am is never going to work for me, unless I go to bed at 7pm, and you don’t until 9.30pm. On the first day, my head was pounding and my thoughts felt like knots of anguish twisting and tearing at my mental structure. On the fourth day, I experienced sensations in meditation that were like irritation coming to the surface from a deep place inside in the form of a thousand loud and angry insects - it made me want to shake and scream and fling my arms about, the stillness just made it angrier (but at least it was limited to a day - I got this for several days on my first course).
While there, I watched the daffodils die, the tulips flower and their closing at night, opening in the day; I saw the jewels of frost turn into dew, the cherry blossom unfolding from bud to a puff of pink here and there, and finally to a resplendent bloom. By the 5th day I was able to stop and look at the blossom and not only see its beauty, but truly take it in - standing in front of it, there was not another thought in my mind, no sense of past or future, only that moment, and I felt its beauty in ever part of my being.
The changing world around me was a constant reminder of one of the essences of Vipassana - “annica” or impermanence. As a five element acupuncturist, an understanding of the flux of the seasons and the constantly changing nature of the universe is essential; anything that doesn’t change or gets stuck is considered pathology. Also vital to our development as practitioners, is the ability to work with Qi. There are many ways that different practitioners use to enhance their connection with, and sensitivity to, Qi: Tai Chi, Qi Gong, yoga, meditation are common ones, and I argued in my BA dissertation that 5Rhythms dance is another valid practice to achieve this.
Vipassana offers a very direct and very clear awareness of Qi in two ways. Firstly, through concentrating on the touch of the breath around the area of the nostrils. You do this for three days (around 10 hours a day) to develop and sharpen awareness. The breath is our connection with the inner and outer worlds; it is the only organ in our body that can function both unconsciously and consciously. The time spent concentrating on my breath brought a greater understanding of the Lungs and the Metal element and why Metal can be so fragile, why it is so concerned with connection, loss, grief and death. Every out-breath is a death, every in-breath a connection with our inner-selves and with all the other meditators in the hall (and ultimately with everyone) sharing the same air.
For the remaining seven days of the retreat, you observe sensations on your body. These, according to the Vipassana tradition, are the “unconscious mind” which is actually not so unconscious, just that we have become deaf to its language of sensations. The idea of the body and the mind being one is central to many complementary therapies and spiritual practices, including acupuncture (which to me is both therapy and spiritual practice). And as understood in acupuncture and other practices, the idea of the body speaking the mind through illnesses, pains and symptoms, often more truthfully than one does verbally, also fits with this concept of the mind presenting itself through sensations on the body.
Becoming in tune with these sensations through a practice like Vipassana is clearly beneficial for the acupuncturist as it is basically becoming in tune with our own Qi, and the more sensitive we are to Qi in ourselves, the more we can direct it in our practice - for example, in our needling intention, and the more we will be sensitive to the changes in our Qi during interaction with a patient which might help in diagnosis as it does Qi Gong doctors. I recall treating a patient on Fire and repeatedly getting a feeling of jelly legs when taking his pulses, the jelly legs of adrenaline and fear. Changing the CF to Water produced fantastic results.
Ultimately, once more in tune with our own Qi, it will be easier to connect with the patient’s and to see its movements in them. However, Vipassana places no emphasis, and in fact, places emphasis to the contrary, on understanding or reading these sensations - all you are to do is watch them, without judgement. This is accepting reality as it is, not changing it, not wishing it away or wishing for something different. Linking a sensation to a feeling, an emotion, a reason, or a signal would be to place a judgement upon it. This is hard for me to take on as an acupuncturist (and also as a yoga student and with my basic experience of shamanic practice, as “do no harm” is a precept to both). Noting a sensation of pain is a warning “don’t do that - it’s dangerous”; noting a sensation of bubbling intestines “don’t eat mushrooms again - they don’t agree with you”; noting a sensation of tiredness “go to bed, you need sleep”. To me, both wisdom and instinct are at play in this reactions. But the theory of Vipassana is that you obtain wisdom by observing and not reacting, that means you do NOTHING BUT OBSERVE: no mental analysis, no thoughts, no moving, no attaching labels, no emotions - positive or otherwise, no trying to improve or change the situation.
I spoke with the teacher about this - we need to respond to anger to set our boundaries, we need to respond to fear to keep us alive and safe… I don’t want to become indifferent to life. I want to live, to feel everything fully. The teaching of Vipassana, common to Buddhist practices (of which this is one, although it claims not to pertain to Buddhism as such), is that you find the Middle Path, you feel the emotions fully, but you feel and observe them without getting entangled in them, and rather than reacting without awareness to them, you can decide whether to take action or not. It is true that on the way home, I pulled out of a side lane from a service station without realising it was a junction, when I did realise, my heart beat fast and sent out waves of sensations all through my chest and arms (heart meridian!). And I observed the sensation and carried on driving, undisturbed. Usually, something like that happens and my heart carries on beating as the scare sits with me, what could have happened, I can’t settle and would turn the music up/have a drink/check my phone, and I worry about the impact the scare has caused to my poor heart empress and her protector… But this time I didn’t think what could have happened, why didn’t I look, o aren’t I lucky, was I daydreaming, what if I do it again, that was so bad, as I expect I would usually have done, I was able to feel the sensation reaction of fear and panic and move on, seamlessly.
I remember last time I finished the Vipassana course, it was like 10 days of hell and then followed a three month holiday, because I was so chilled out that everyday life was smooth and more following on an even keel rather than with spikes and troughs which is my normal pattern. Perhaps 10 days of silence, without mobile phones and other input or “stimulation” (I write in inverted commas because actually I think tv, reading and radio can be more like dullation), would give pretty chilled out results anyway. But I do think there is something in this Vipassana as a technique. There have apparently, according to the Vipassana literature, been cases of recovery from drug and alcohol addiction (and since retreat I have met someone who is living proof of this); recovery from mental and physical maladies is also reported. I don’t doubt that anything that brings greater awareness and connection to the body, and a more peaceful mind can do this.
I do, however, have my reservations about Vipassana as a technique and about the Goenka organisation (Goenka is the “teacher” and teaches the Vipassana technique through CDs recordings and video discourses).
So what can be questionable about a technique that brings greater awareness and can promote mental, emotional and physical well-being - which I have experienced first-hand? The female assistant teacher had a very prominent pronounced case of IDs (an energetic block which is essentially separation of the self from the self - usually in cases of trauma), and the male assistant teacher was so Yin that I feel such absence of Yang, especially in a man, to be disconcerting. It may be unrelated to the technique, but it might not. These may be unrelated to the technique, they may not.
While the theory of Vipassana is to feel emotions fully and choose when to take action, rather than unmindful reaction, can the actuality of the practice lead to detachment to such an extent that you remove yourself from yourself - essentially this is IDs. What is supposed to be liberation through death of the ego, actually, if improperly practiced (easy to do), leads to death of the self in life, detachment from your very self.
Cultish-vibes with brainwashing and hero-worship ripple through the Vipassana organisation as well. When I asked the female teacher questions, there was something that hummed of robot in her replies - repetitions of Goneka’s videos and stories. Surely, if you embody something, you can relate your understanding in your own language. I was told I would not be able to practice any other spiritual practice if I wanted to come back and volunteer or take a longer course, as “digging lots of holes for water means you will never get to the water” - maybe so, but it’s my f.in choice!
On the last day, you learn an additional part to the meditation, metta bhavana (loving kindness). Goenka starts this off by saying you have been such a selfish being all your life, now it is time to do something in return, give love to the world, wish them peace, harmony and happiness. Apart from the fact that lots of people I know aren’t selfish, not too much harm in that. This is the day you are encouraged to give donations (which I don’t object to at all - the organisation has to survive on these) - it’s the sense of manipulation I object to. Being in a state of trance meditation and being repeatedly told you are selfish, then that you must rectify this by giving, and o by the way, give to us, is clearly manipulative.
Despite all that, since the retreat a month ago, I’m practicing Vipassana everyday for one hour. I feel its benefits. It’s my space from all the hectic happenings and the emotions of my life, it’s my reconnection with myself in a space of stillness and to a sense of truth within me. But I don’t ever intend to give up my life-pulsing, emotion-bursting, screaming, crying, loving dynamic meditations like Osho’s and 5Rhythms
PS (I do recognise the cult fever that follows Osho too!)
